I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
