There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
