Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
zippers are such a cool invention
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Pants are for mortals
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
