Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
