It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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