we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
