Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
