I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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