Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
