The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
