Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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