I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
