No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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