I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
