You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
