she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
