he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
