I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
