We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
