You smell like a Billy Joel song
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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