Where is the hickey?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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