Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
my poor anus
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
