Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
