I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You are the jesus of drinking
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize