I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
