Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
