Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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