we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
