FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
