I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
