The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
