All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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