I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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