i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
