i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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