i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
