My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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