gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
