My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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