I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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