In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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