So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
