It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize