I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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