this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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