brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
