When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
