You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
my liver is dry heaving
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
