I didn't shave. On purpose
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
