Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
