someone threw a dead crab at me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
