We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
