I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
