It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
