The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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