he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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