put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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