I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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