Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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